James O'Brien's Mystery Hour

00:02 This is a Global Player original podcast. 00:08 This is LBC from Global. Leading Britain's conversation. Mystery Hour with James O'Brien. 00:17 Ah, I've got some breaking news for you. I've just cancelled my tennis match. 00:20 I was set to play tennis five o'clock today. 00:23 On reflection, I think someone, even an elite athlete in peak physical condition, such as myself, would probably be pushing it going out onto the court in this heat. At least I'm presuming it's still hot. I'm in a hermetically sealed room with no windows. I'm presuming it hasn't suddenly started raining or snowing outside. It's still hot, is it, out there? Should we do a phoning on that? Is it still hot? No, don't. Step away from the phone. I need it, all right? Because it's mystery hour, which is historically often, but not always, the busiest part of the week. 00:56 It is your opportunity to achieve the sort of satisfaction not ordinarily available anywhere else on your radio, and indeed to get answers to the questions that have been bugging, puzzling, plaguing you for the longest time. The whos, the whys, the what, the wherefores, even the occasional whither. 01:15 That's how it works. Someone rings in with a question, someone else rings in with an answer. But somehow, was it last week things went bonkers? Last week was vintage, was it? I mean, most weeks are vintage, if we're honest. We're doing it so long now, we seem to have found our rhythms together, don't we? But was it last week or the week before that was just hysterically funny? Nothing to do with me. Was it the mouse last week? 01:34 I watched that clip back. You know I never watch my own clips. Even I'm not that egotistical. But that is up there for me at the moment because I am laughing so much. You know when something just gets you? 01:48 I always used to cite, and this is quite niche because you didn't go to a school like mine, breaking wind in chapel. So if you're in church, so chapel is small, right? So your housemaster is a monk and he is serving mass. And the only people in the room, which is smaller than this studio, are your closest mates, the 12 or 13 people who you have literally lived with today. Since the age of 13, you've slept in the same room. You've played in the same rugby team. 02:18 You've gone to the same class. You've sat in the same classrooms. You couldn't be tighter as a group of people. And you're in this room with a man you don't like very much. You are as thick as thieves. 02:30 And you're in a tiny room with a priest who's also your housemaster and a hate figure. And one of you lets rip the most extraordinary guff. And that laughter there, I used to think was unique because you're trying to hold it in. 02:45 You have to try, and you can't meet anyone's eye. And everyone is sort of going, and that noise. And he knows what's going on, but he's a priest in the middle of mass, so he can't break off to tell us off. Sort of put down the chalice and give one of us a slap or anything like that would be frowned upon. At least it was by that time in history. A few years before, it probably would have been de rigueur. 03:06 So something about infectious laughter. 03:10 The bloke who rang in last week to ask about the mouse that kept coming back to his house, who inevitably turned out to actually be right. And I was wrong to mock him. But something happened in the course of that conversation that just set me off. And I watched it back. I don't even know if we clipped it up, did we? I don't think LBC even clipped it up. Someone else clipped it up from the YouTube thing that you can usually enjoy shortly after we come off air. And I watched it back. One of my kids brought it to me. 03:36 And to show me. And it just... I just laughed and laughed. And it works. It works like that Guy Goma clip. It actually sets you off again. And it makes you feel better than you did before you watched it. It was extraordinary. And I didn't even send him the game. I can't even remember why. 03:53 Anyway, none of that's got anything to do with what happens next. It's eight minutes after 12. And Mystery Hour is upon us. Matt's in Manchester. Matt, question or answer? 04:03 Hey up, James. It's still pretty sunny up here. 04:07 Hey up, Matt. 04:08 That's the last hour. That was the last hour. Sorry, sorry. 04:12 I have a question. 04:14 Carry on. 04:16 I'd like to know how the ice cream man or the ice cream seller in a van, how they decide what their route's going to be, because you only see one ice cream van around each sort of neighbourhood, but 04:30 like did they sort of go on to each other's patch or like historically it got quite tasty it was quite i mean there were i think ice cream walls it would it would you you would protect your patch quite robustly i think historically i can't have imagined this can i right exactly so i'm thinking that 04:51 There has to be some kind of organisation between them all or an ice cream van guild or something that sets out who goes where to avoid... 05:00 So you don't mean a pitch, you mean a patch. 05:03 because a pitch will involve probably paying or my friend enzo has a pitch in the car park at the hilliers garden center in isleworth and and you know no one else can just come and park next to him and start knocking out strawberry mivies it's it's obviously an established business arrangement but a but a patch when you drive around stick green sleeves on park up on one road uh flog a few lollies and then then you know move on shut up and move on to another to another writer yeah i like that do they still i mean this is going to make me sound very london centric are they still a thing i have zach zach goes around my um does he he does and you listen you hear the music and your and your dad and your dad says oh he only plays the music when he's sold out son yeah no i um i can hear him and i kind of know how close he is he kind of circles around yeah 05:53 You can hear it getting louder and louder and louder than I hear it come down my street and get a little bit of excitement when he's there. 05:59 Yeah, we had it in Kiddy when I was growing up. And for some reason, I always remember it at my godmothers in Stockport, in Bradbury Green, the ice cream van there. So, yeah, and there must be loads of patches that aren't. exploited so how do they decide how does an ice cream man decide a what patch he wants what his patch is going to be and b how can he be confident that that he's not going to be turning up 10 minutes after someone else has just done a load of ice creams i like that question oh three four five six oh six oh nine seven three we stayed in the north as well although i don't think this is true from helen who texted me to say i go on holiday to barnsley james 06:39 really helen i think you might be yanking my chain uh nigel is in box hill nigel question or answer uh it's a question james good morning good morning yes sorry about your tennis by the way that's all right it's all right they'll be breathing a sigh of relief my opponent you might have to go to the pub instead there's always an option um my question is james how is it that dogs are able to run through a wooded area like lightning yeah and avoid all the trees and and the stumps and all of it. I was out walking the dogs early. 07:10 with my daughter this morning up at Box Hill, recalled two of them, and they came literally like lightning through every tree. 07:18 That's two days running. I've had to correct someone for using the word literally. It was not literally like lightning. 07:24 It was literally like lightning. 07:25 It was not literally like lightning. It wasn't an electrical charge in the sky. 07:30 Okay. I had to draw a breath because I thought they were going to hit something. Yeah. 07:37 miraculously they never seem to hit them and i think that some dogs do my dog how they do it my dog would my dog would run headfirst into a tree my dog once jumped into the canal because it was covered in green algae and she thought and she thought it was ground so she just jumped on it and we had to fish her out bless her she's not been near water since i think she was traumatized by the whole experience but that's not what you're asking about so so they have got an almost sort of Like the fighters in Star Wars. Do you remember the scene in Star Wars where they're going through? 08:07 Yes, the Jedi. Yeah, the Jedi's going sideways. Exactly that, exactly that. That's precisely what I was thinking of as you describe your lightning-like dogs. 08:16 What breed are they? Cockapoos. Are they? Of course. Yes. So it's the poodle in them, the hunting dog in them. 08:23 Maybe. The spaniel hunting side, yeah, for sure. 08:25 But the poodle was a hunting dog originally as well. So mine's half poodle as well. Mine's half poodle, but she's not built for... She started getting warts. Did you know that poodles get warts at a certain age? 08:38 No, I didn't know that. Well, you've got that to look forward to. I've got that to come. I bet you're glad you rang in today. And I haven't even started talking about cobbler's cream yet. That's coming up next. Nigel, you're on. 08:48 How can dogs navigate their way through wooded areas so expertly and so quickly in a way that humans can't? Oh, three, four, five, six, eight. It must be something to do with their eyesight. 08:59 I'm not expecting any prizes for that observation, by the way. It's not likely to be radar, is it? Or sonar. Ice creams and dogs. What else are we going to get on the board today? Luke's in Bromley. Luke, question or answer? James, it's a question. Scientifically, why do we laugh? 09:14 What makes us laugh? 09:20 As in the chemical reaction, as it were? 09:22 Yes. I mean, you know, and it can be a picture. It can be a smirk. It can be something written down. It can be someone telling a joke. 09:30 So, you know, a number of things make us laugh. 09:32 Well, I don't think we know. I don't think we know. Someone may do. Yeah, I mean, it's on the board. But do you know, by coincidence, I saw a post on Blue Sky this morning from a guy who is a very successful writer, a comedy writer. And he was talking about how they got called into an advertising agency in the 90s because the guys in the advertising agency thought they'd actually come up with a formula for comedy. 09:55 With an equation that would deliver comedy. And they were deploying it in some of the adverts that they made. And obviously all the comedians that they'd brought in to regale with this discovery thought it was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. Because it's more like alchemy than chemistry. So we may not know. If we knew, then we'd be able to sort of trigger it, wouldn't we? 10:16 Yeah, and obviously you can suppress it because some people are just miserable, aren't they? They don't laugh at much at all. So that's probably more down to the character and personality. We have the ability to laugh. Look at little babies and things. They laugh. They do laugh. 10:29 So what is going on, actually, scientifically when we laugh? I like that question. 03456060973. 10:40 We haven't done the terms and conditions. We haven't done the board game spiel. 10:44 One job, Keith. One job. 10:48 My favourite contribution of the week will win a board game, or indeed in a tin. Last week's winner put a picture of himself on social media with the game in a tin. 10:57 The full terms and conditions for this competition are at lbc.co.uk, and you can find out more about the board game at mysteryhour.co.uk. Questions on the board at the moment involve the science of laughter, dogs running, and ice cream van patches. 11:13 It's 12.17. Mystery hour is upon us. I've got two phone... Well, at least one phone line free. 03456060973. And now, for fans of alliteration, Brenda is in Biggleswade in Bedfordshire. That is Biggleswade Bedfordshire Brenda. Brenda, question or answer? 11:29 Question. 11:29 Carry on, Brenda. In Biggleswade in Bedfordshire. 11:33 Your fingernails and your toenails... 11:35 Yes. 11:36 Do they breathe? 11:40 Go on. 11:41 Well... Sometimes, if I put varnish on, you put nail varnish on, sometimes they feel claggy, so they can't breathe. 11:51 Where are you getting that sensation? In your fingers? No, on the nails. Yeah, that's what I mean. They feel, what, like muffled or something? Yeah. So you think normally there would be some sort of passage of air through them, and when you put the varnish on, there isn't? 12:09 Yes. 12:10 Oh, you know, I quite like that question. 12:15 I quite like that question. I mean, it's because I don't know. Is it dead material? It's keratin, isn't it? Your fingernails, I think. 12:22 I'm not sure, but I know sometimes, especially in this heat, sometimes I'll take varnish off my toes and then think, oh, that's nice. Do you? 12:32 Oh, that's nice. Getting a bit more circulation around my toes, which you want in this weather. Don't tell anyone, Brenda, I'm wearing sandals. I'm wearing sandals in the studio today for the very first time. And between you and me, it was a mistake. 12:46 Why? Freezing. My feet are absolutely freezing. 12:50 Well, what you could do... 12:51 I asked Keith if I could borrow his socks, but he looked at me in a very disapproving fashion. 12:55 No, you don't wear socks and sandals, but you could get... 12:57 I would in the studio. No-one's going to see you, are they? 12:59 No, but you could get what my husband's got, which drives my two daughters round the twist. 13:04 Go on. 13:05 And he's got socks with toes in. Why? 13:10 Because he said they're comfortable. He's also got sandals that have got, like, toe posts in that he can wear with his socks with toes in. 13:17 Good Lord, there's a man who's prepared... Has he got like 500 litres of water in the cellar as well, just in case? 13:25 Yeah, probably. 13:27 50 pot noodles. I just wish I'd put socks on, or brought some socks to wear in the studio. I won't be doing this again. Anyway, Brenda. 13:34 Put some nail varnish on. 13:35 I was just thinking if I did put some nail varnish on, maybe it'd warm them up a little bit. So do nails breathe? That's a lovely question. 03456060973. I had a little thought. Thank you, Brenda. So I came to work today in sandals and shorts. 13:50 I don't think I've done that before. I may have done shorts. I don't think I've done sandals before. And it set me thinking about my late father, which obviously I think about him a lot. But I don't think I ever saw my dad in shorts. 14:02 I mean, swimming pool or something like that, he'd be in trunks. But he was of that generation. I hardly ever saw him not wearing a tie. 14:10 Never owned a pair of jeans. I mean, the idea of coming to work in shorts and sandals to a man of my father's generation and sensibilities would have been like turning up dressed as Ronald McDonald or naked or something. Just a little thought I had when I got in this morning. I saw a colleague and they commented on my very relaxed wardrobe today. And I just thought, oh, Dad. Dad would not really have appreciated this particular sartorial departure. 14:40 Claire's in rugby. Claire, question or answer? 14:43 Oh, well, question, please. 14:44 Carry on, Claire. 14:46 Um... Oh, dear. 14:48 Take your time. No rush. 14:49 LAUGHTER It occurred to me because I was on my... It came on my feed with looking at YouTube. 14:58 Oh, yes. 14:59 And there was different marches of military people. 15:02 You've been looking up soldiers a lot on YouTube. No, that's a strange thing. Well, you obviously have, madam. You obviously have. Go on. 15:07 Oh, well, whatever. Anyway, it came up and there's a competition, whatever. But so many... Why and when did exaggerated marching, like goose-stepping, happen? And why? Why? 15:21 I mean, you're only allowed one question. 15:23 Oh, I know. It's of when and why, isn't it? 15:26 So which one is it going to be? Because I think I know one of them. 15:29 Oh, well, you choose then. 15:32 I think I know why. 15:34 It looks so comical. 15:36 It does look comical, but I think it involves a sort of form of self-hypnosis. 15:42 Do that noise again. 15:47 Did you snort then, or me? Me. Oh, thank goodness for that. I think it involves a form of self-hypnosis. I think that they goose-step and it sort of puts them in a sort of semi-trance-like state where they won't challenge or question any orders. That doesn't sound right now I've said it out loud, does it? 16:04 I fool. I mean, it obviously became fashionable at some point. 16:08 I don't know if fashionable is the word I'd go with, but commonplace. 16:11 Yeah. 16:13 I don't know if it was a fashionable thing to goose step. I don't think it was optional. 16:19 All right, you're on. And I'll let you have the when of it as well, because I've had a half-cop try at the why. So when and why did soldiers start? And it's not just the Nazis. There are other... troops that i think i've got a really exaggerated way of um i think i've got an idea that there's russian troops who were doing it long before the 20th century cossacks i could be wrong anyway so what's it all about oh three four five six oh six oh nine seven three um i like that question and dan is in bristol dan question or answer Here's a question, please, James. 16:53 Carry on, Dan. 16:54 Nice to speak to you again. 16:55 Likewise. 16:56 My last question to you was a confectionery-based question. I've got another one. 17:01 Oh, good. 17:02 It was the salt and vinegar crisp and the green-blue packaging question I gave you before. 17:08 Yes. Did we get an answer from someone whose dad worked for Walker's Crisps? 17:12 You did. It was quite fantastic. 17:13 It was fantastic. But I saw Gary that night, would you believe. 17:17 I know. I remember you saying this. It's quite amazing. 17:20 And he didn't remember at all. So otherwise, I'd have come back on air and shared it as a wonderful little postscript to a magical Mystery Hour moment. But Gary, in fact, he looked at me in a slightly pityingly way that you sometimes see him deploying in the television studio when he's talking to Mika Richards. And he said, I did meet quite a lot of people when I was working with Walker's Crisps, James. And I went, yeah, all right, mate. I was only asking. And I can say that now because he won't be listening. He's in New York. Anyway, where were we? 17:46 What's today's question? 17:48 Maybe he's listening to this one. 17:51 Yeah, so I'm celiac, which is obviously difficult to live with. 17:56 Gluten, yeah. 17:57 So one thing which just absolutely gets on my nerves every time I go buy a gluten-free product is everything is so absolutely tiny, and especially the bread. So I need to know why. 18:12 Really? Yes, I need to know why. I need to know why. 18:15 Greek soldiers. The Greek soldiers do the funny marching as well. They still do it now in front of the Parliament building in Athens. So you mean like a loaf of bread will have fewer slices in it than a non... Well, it's not just the amount of slices. 18:28 What is it? It's the physical size. I've actually sent you a picture. If you want to check out my slice of gluten-free bread... you'll feel very, very sorry for me and my very large and ever increasingly growing in size community of celiac people. 18:42 So you get sent, where did you send it to? 18:44 I sent it to your WhatsApp. 18:47 Oh, you mean in the studio? 18:50 In the studio. We'll try and dig that out. I mean, is it not obvious? 18:55 Well, I obviously understand the gluten has an element of fulfilling the blend. God, it's tiny, mate. 19:01 It's about the size, it's half the size of your hand. 19:06 Yeah, Keith just pointed out you might have enormous hands. Do you have an average size? I was just thinking of the person who's just tuned in. It's a large-ish size. Can we get something for scale? What have you got in front of you at the moment? The hand is the scale. No, but it's not, is it? Because you might have an enormous hand. In which case the bread is not noticeably small, is it? So what have you got nearby? 19:29 Well, it's an old picture. I don't know what I can send you. 19:34 I don't need a picture. I take it on trust. Where are you now? 19:38 I'm sat in my air-conditioned car in my very, very hot workshop. 19:42 Okay. And you've got your iPhone with you. Are you on an iPhone? I am, I am. All right. So just put the bottom of the iPhone. What series is it? 19:53 I don't know. 19:54 Is it a big one or is it a little one? 19:56 It's a big one. 19:58 Put the bottom of your iPhone just at the bottom of your palm and tell me how much knuckle is left poking out the top. 20:06 We've got about 10mm the side. 20:10 Out the top? 20:12 Out the side. 20:13 No, what about... Oh, OK, yeah, so that's... God, that's... Yeah, it's about the same as mine, maybe slightly bigger. And what about the top? Is there any fingers poking out the top? 20:20 Hang on, hang on. 20:23 We've got about a centimetre and a half a finger at the top. 20:26 So just that top knuckle on the middle finger, really, the swearing finger. 20:30 Yeah, I'm missing a bit of that one now because I'm a woodworker. No, fair enough. 20:34 Okay, so you've not got a particularly freakish hand, have you? 20:38 Well, no, it's medium. 20:40 Yeah, but maybe slightly above average, but not freakish is what we needed to establish, which means that that slice of toast that you took a picture of for me in your hand is tiny. It looks like Melba toast. 20:52 It's absolutely incredibly small, yeah. 20:54 And that's always the way with the gluten-free stuff? 20:57 Always the way. Always the way. 21:00 And it's three times the price as well. 21:02 Well, that's the thing though, isn't it? Because if it was the size of the normal bread, it would be six or seven times the price. 21:09 Exactly. 21:09 So that's the answer. Why is it always so small? 21:12 No, it can't be. That can't be why. 21:14 Can I put that picture on my blue sky, the picture of your hand with the toast in it, just so that people at home can see? Absolutely, please do, yes. All right, you're on. I don't know how we're going to do that, Eleanor, but I've asked him now. We're working out. All right, why is gluten-free stuff so small? 03456060973. Thank you, Dan. I'm hungry now. Sophie's in Hines Park. I'm going to tell you what, that toast wouldn't fill me up. Sophie, question or answer? 21:41 Hello, it's a question, please. 21:42 Oh, yes. 21:44 I was wondering, every morning I wake up, I check my smartwatch to see how I slept during the night. Oh, yes. And it tells me how long I slept for, how long I was awake for, my REM sleep, my core sleep, and my... What's the other one? My deep sleep. I was wondering, how does it know? 22:02 I mean, yeah, I don't know why I was preparing to try to answer that question. I haven't got a clue. Because you always try. Yeah, I do always. I'm getting better, actually. I used to be unbearable. But it is, yeah, I mean, it's going to be... 22:16 Right, you're on. How does your watch know so much about your sleep? 22:20 Exactly. 22:20 Could just be making it up. You've all fallen for it. 22:25 I do know when I wake up if I've had a good sleep or not and I check my watch and it always kind of sounds about right. Yeah. 22:32 It's magic. 22:33 I could Google it, but I thought I'd call you. 22:35 No, you're on. I like that. Thank you. We'll find out for you. How does Sophie's watch, or indeed all smartwatches, Know so much about your sleep. What is it doing? I mean, it's going to be looking at pulse, maybe movement, restlessness, all of those things, but it's on your wrist. So what if you handcuffed yourself to the bedstead? Careful, Keith. What if you handcuffed yourself to the bedstead and fell asleep? Then what would happen? Because I'm just interested in the way that a watch on a wrist can establish so much about the entire sleep process. 23:07 Here's an anecdote for you. I bought a new watch strap yesterday. 23:13 That's it. That's the anecdote. I bought it in Timpsons. 23:18 Special shout out to the two. I've never met a bloke, and it's usually blokes, not always. I've never met anyone working in Timpsons who isn't charming. I know that they've got a practice of hiring former prisoners, but I don't think everyone that works in Timpsons is a former prisoner. And that, of course, means that there's more likely to be an element of gratitude, perhaps. But I love everyone who I've ever dealt with in a Timpsons. And do you know that the most profitable Timpsons in the whole country is the one outside Sainsbury's in Kidderminster? 23:46 Mr Timpson told me that himself. I've never met, always had a charming time with Timpsons. Timpsons staff, probably the most friendly staff in the country. And I bought a watch strap off a couple of them in Hoburn yesterday. And then, because I've got my sandals on, as I mentioned earlier, and I only wear them in the summer and I normally only wear them in Greece. So they got a bit crusty with the seawater. No, not my feet, like seawater crusty, not feet crusty. And there was this little pot in Timpsons called Cobbler's Cream. I've never seen it before. And I bought some and you can resurrect sandals with Cobbler's Cream. 24:20 And that is the end of... 24:22 of my anecdote. Here's Amelia Cox with your headlines. 12.33 is the time. Tune in tomorrow for more Tales of Cobbler's Cream. But for now, we return to Mystery Hour. Questions still need answers. Ice cream van patches, running dogs not hitting trees, the science of laughter, the porousness or breathability of finger and toenails, the strange marching of soldiers, the small size of gluten-free products. Is that all of it? I think that's... Oh, and of course, Sophie's smartwatch as well. 24:54 How does a watch know so much about your sleep? Steve's in Hockley. Steve, question or answer? It's a question, please, James. 25:02 I'm actually in Crete at the moment, my friend on holiday. 25:05 Oh, Calimera! Calimera, sir. Thank you. Carry on. 25:10 Thank you very much. What's the temperature in Crete? It's 29 at the moment and very dry, dry heat. So it's far better than what you guys have got. 25:18 It's the humidity here that's the killer. Because I'm off next week and I've been comparing the temperatures. I'll be cooling down in Greece this year, which is a bit insane, isn't it? 25:26 Absolutely. If you've never tried it, Lake Kornos in Crete, near Hanya, mate, I would... Is it really nice? I've been to Crete. 25:33 I don't know if we went there. Anyway, where were we? 25:36 Question, question. So, yeah, so this question isn't quite as intelligent as the ones you've asked before today. This is. And I think you're probably going to know the answer to this, but given the recent activity... With Downing Street, you know, it's more of a sort of best-selling short-stay Airbnb than anything else. Yes. Who decided or how it was decided that 10 Downing Street was going to be the residence for our PMs? Is there any PMs that have previously lived out? Where did it come to be? 26:00 Oh, I like that. I don't actually know. I think I might have known once. So your faith in me was not entirely misplaced. And I know that he was a bit of a wrong-un, George Downing. He was sort of knocking about... 26:12 Charles II kind of era? 26:14 He was an American bloke who sort of came over here and called Mischief and made a ton of money, a property developer. Sounds familiar. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? That's who the street was named after. But I can't remember when it became... 26:30 The residence of the Prime Minister. So you're on, yeah? I like that. It's a good question. 26:35 Thank you very much. 26:35 It's a clever question. Why did you say it wasn't a very intelligent question? It's a really intelligent question. 26:39 Oh, thank you. Well, I just thought it would have been a pretty standard one that's come up in the past. 26:43 Am I a dumb mate? You know where it is. I can't remember what I had for breakfast, let alone... We're similar ages, James. 26:49 Well, you know exactly. 26:50 Have you ever come across Cobbler's Cream? 26:53 No, I don't think I have yet. There you go. You see, for men like us, it's a godsend. You can resurrect all your old shoes. You can make them all shiny and moist. That's not the right word to use, is it? You can make them all supple and shiny again. My sandals are like brand new. Thank you, Steve. I'll be wearing them in Greece next week. All being well. Kieran is in Dublin. Kieran, question or answer? 27:15 Question, James. 27:16 Carry on. 27:17 So James, the freshly squeezed orange juice in the supermarket that has the shelf life on it, the short shelf life, we'd say four or five days. I've noticed regularly that the orange juice that doesn't have the bits in it has a longer shelf life on it than the juice that has the bits in it. 27:39 Is that dead to the supermarket or is there something in the bits that makes the orange juice last not as long as the stuff that doesn't have it in it? 27:47 I think, yeah, I mean, they're more likely to pair it, more likely to go off a bit with the flesh than with the juice. 27:58 Yeah. 27:59 Is it the smooth orange juice has got the longer shelf life? 28:04 Yeah. 28:04 Well, it's Occam's razor, Kieran, isn't it? I mean, it must be that the bits in it, the only difference between them is the bits, and that must explain the shelf life difference. Has to be. 28:14 Well, it does explain it, but what I'm saying is, why is that? 28:18 Yeah, you're turning into me now. You don't want the what of it, you want the why of it. 28:21 No, I actually want to speak to someone, James, who actually knows what they're talking about. 28:25 Well, you phoned the wrong show. 28:31 So do I, mate. Good luck with that. Seriously, welcome to my world. 28:36 You're on. Let's do it. I mean, it must be the bits, but why? Why do the bits make the shelf life shorter? 28:43 Yeah. 28:43 Cheers. No, you're on. Take care. Stay safe. It's 12.37. 28:48 James is in Dundee. James, question or answer? 28:51 It's an answer, James. Good afternoon. Good afternoon to you. What have you got? 28:55 Right. So I was on ice cream vans from a young age of nine up until maybe my late 20s. 29:02 I had my own ice cream van as well, obviously not from the age of nine, but when I got older. Now, you would get your license from the local authority. 29:10 On that licence, they told you where you couldn't go. Now, you couldn't go to places like the two football stadiums in Dundee. You couldn't go to Broughty Ferry. There's something that's been in the news lately. And the reason for that is because that's Dundee by the seaside. That's got the beach and that, and they don't want an influx of ice cream vans going down there. 29:32 There'd be pitches there that were specifically paid for. Yes, you're right. Pitches, not patches. 29:39 Yep, and that still goes on to this day. There is an ice cream van that sits on a particular pitch all year round. 29:45 There it is, you see. That's Enzo in the car park at the garden centre near me. 29:50 Correct, correct. Now, as for the housing estates in Dundee, you just took it upon yourself. Like, the estate next to where I used to work, he didn't start to, like, five o'clock in the afternoon. So what I would do is I would nip in there at three o'clock in the afternoon and do a little tidying up. And then he would come in at five o'clock. So there was no animosity. It was sort of like, yeah, that's George. It does the estate next to me. And you would sometimes meet them in the cash and carry and that. And it was all jovial. But if you look on YouTube, there's plenty about Glasgow with the guns and the whatnot. 30:23 Back in the day. Back in the day. The ice cream wars. Yeah, that didn't ever happen where I was. 30:28 There's a film as well, isn't there, with Bill Patterson in it, I think. There was a film made about it. 30:32 Yeah, that's right. Bill Patterson is in the movie about the ice cream vans. So that's it. You don't get it on your licence where you're allowed to go. You only get it on the licence where you couldn't go. 30:42 Well, you're not allowed to go. Are you of Italian heritage? 30:46 No, I'm not. 30:47 Because a lot of the ice cream men are, particularly in Scotland. 30:50 Yeah, now it's strange you should say that. Yeah, because back in the day, there was Cabrelles in Dundee. They had like 16 ice cream vans in Dundee. And then there was Freddie Ionetta. I believe they had 32 ice cream vans back in the day. Sensational. Nowadays, you don't see really ice cream vans. But I'm going to tell you about the difference between an ice cream van in Scotland and in England. Because in England, they're called softy vans. They've got a window on either side. And they only sell ice cream and they only sell ice lollies. 31:21 Now, an ice cream van in Scotland is called a hardy van. And that's only got a window on the passenger side. for pulling up against the curb. And on the driver's side, you're going to have chocolate bars, you're going to have all sorts. You're going to have your CarMax back in the day. That would have been there as well. 31:40 Oh, I didn't know that. I don't think it's like binary. I've seen some ice cream vans in England that have got a bit of confectionery for sale. 31:49 Oh, right. 31:51 I tried to get you, Carmack, probably about two years ago. Oh, bless you. St Mark's and St Andrew's, you'll remember. I do, I do. Oh, you're a gentleman. You're a gentleman. 32:01 I sat upstairs that night with your two daughters there as well. Oh, fantastic. I did. That was a happy day. We've had some wonderful times. It certainly was. 32:10 what was i going to say that when i so north berwick is where we used to holiday when we were going to scotland a bit when they were younger and there were two there on the on the seafront in north berwick you had like a traditional ice cream van which would be selling like all the lollies that you and stuff but then you had the the the s luca it was called luca l-u-c-a which was like a like a slightly more well i don't know if you'd say artisan but but like not not generic not the kind of stuff you'd buy in the cash and carry it was like they made it themselves and and so they obviously managed to have two different pitches on the same little small patch of car park in north i don't know why i love ice cream bands so much they've got such i guess it's just joy isn't it you hear the music starting when you're a kid and it's it's just joyful why did you knock it on the head I got myself off to college and just learnt something else. 33:02 Fair enough. Yeah, I can imagine. 33:05 I can imagine. You didn't knock out single cigarettes for 25 pence a pop, did you? 33:10 Well, I didn't, but that was a thing. That was a thing. Another thing we used to do as well, you were able to go to a screen van with milk tokens back in the day. 33:19 And get a lolly with a milk token. Anyway, you've earned this. 33:24 Beautifully done, James. God bless you. Thank you. 12.42 is the time. Paul's in Swansea. Paul, question or answer? 33:31 Answer. Carry on. 33:32 But that guy just took the wind out of my sails. 33:34 Oh. Well, never mind. I've got room for more. It's not a steward's inquiry, but you can add to his answer. 33:40 Yeah. My aunt had an ice cream van. Oh, yeah. Back in the 80s. And it was in Mr. Whippy. And she encroached in somebody else's patch. 33:50 And the other guy turned up in his van. He was furious. Really? So he chased her for about a mile. Van chasing van? Yeah. What was he going to do if he caught her? Well, she drove into her husband's tyre-changing garage. Very wise. 34:05 And then he came out. He's six foot six with a crowbar. So the guy jumped back in his van and reversed. And he said, tell her to stay off my patch. 34:15 Yes. And did she? 34:18 She did, yeah. 34:18 I mean, it's a livelihood, isn't it? So it's nice to hear the previous caller sharing stories of harmony and peace. But generally speaking, if you're parking up, particularly for a prolonged period of time, it's a bit like opening a shop next door to someone who's already selling the same stuff. You didn't fancy following her into the ice cream business, Paul? 34:38 No, it was too dodgy, too dodgy. I love it. 34:42 You get a round of applause, though. So, you know... APPLAUSE 12.43 is the time. And Marion's in High Wiccan. Marion, question or answer? 34:51 It's a question. 34:52 Carry on, Marion. 34:54 Many years ago, I had a little growth on my nose, which required a few sessions of cryosurgery. 35:00 Right. 35:01 And when it healed, one half of the tip of my nose was kind of sheared off. So it was very noticeable that my nose was asymmetric. 35:11 Right. 35:12 And when I went for a check-up and I said to the nurse that I didn't realise this was going to happen because it's really noticeable. And she said, oh, don't worry about it. It will grow back. Your nose? 35:22 Yeah, well, it was a very sort of like a very small shaving of it, but it was very flat and very noticeable that it happened. 35:30 Yeah. 35:31 And she said, don't worry, it'll grow back. And over a period of months, suddenly you kind of look at her and say, oh, my nose is fine. But my question is, not that it grew back. But how does your body know when to stop growing? 35:49 When it thinks, yeah, that looks about right, nose is normal again, we'll stop growing, because that's what it did. 35:55 Who knows? Yeah, absolutely. 36:02 I think, to paraphrase Kemi Bader, I reject the parameters of your question. 36:08 Because how does it know to stop the first time round? 36:12 Why don't our noses just keep growing anyway, like Pinocchio, forever? 36:17 Well, indeed, yeah, that is for sure. 36:19 So there must be, it's just like a genetic code, isn't it, that your nose stops growing? 36:26 Yes. 36:27 So it must just be the same reason why your feet stop growing. It's the same reason why everything stops growing. But yeah, it's more interesting when a bit's being shaved off and it grows back, isn't it? 36:36 Yeah, because I was really worried because it was so noticeable that it was just like this, like a sword had just kind of taken the very edge of this nose. It was so flat and so noticeable. 36:47 And then it did grow back, back to exactly like it was before. I mean, because also, how much grows back? Because if you'd lost your whole nose, I don't think it would have grown back, would it? 36:55 No, I don't think it will because it was just skin. It wasn't cartilage or anything because I don't think that would. But it's just... How does it know when it kind of goes, right, oh, yeah, that's perfect. Right, we'll stop there. 37:09 I like that question. And for people who listen to this programme a little bit more than is necessarily healthy, I'd just quote Isaac, who's been in touch, to say, don't nose. Nobody nose. Don't need to nose. 37:23 on your program as well. 37:25 Congratulations. Let's try and get you an answer. How does your nose know to stop growing when it's growing back after being chopped off or sliced off? 12.46 is the time. 37:39 12.49 is the time. Still got loads of questions that need answers. We've done the ice creams. 37:45 The dog's running. How do they avoid things when they're moving so fast? The science of laughter. What's going on when we laugh? Do our fingernails and toenails breathe? Why do soldiers march in such exaggerated fashions? Why is gluten-free stuff so small? How do smartphones know? We're never going to get close to doing all of these. 38:06 When did the Prime Minister move into Downing Street, like originally? And why does orange juice with bits in it have a much shorter or a measurably shorter shelf life than orange juice without bits in it? And how does your nose, if a bit of your nose gets chopped off and it grows back, how does it nose? 38:24 it's not osnosis is it um thank you for that i stole that from my own inbox uh but it was unsigned so i probably didn't even need to admit that that's how i work i'm just too honest for my own good uh how does it knows when to stop goes how does the nose knows when to stop it grows grows uh abby's in brixton abby question or answer it's a question james you'll be lucky go on 38:45 I know, I know. Honestly, I've got no hope for it. That's the spirit. Carry on. 38:51 You see washing machines, right? Yeah. Every washing machine that I've ever had an interaction with, when it gets to the last minute, it's always never a minute. And I don't understand why the manufacturers make it like that. Like, surely by now, they know how long the cycle's supposed to be. Why are they lying? 39:08 I don't know if they're lying as such. 39:11 I mean, so what you mean, it says one minute left and it always takes longer than a minute? 39:15 Yeah, well, have you not experienced that? 39:17 Yeah, I'm always doing the washing me. That's why I'm just checking with you that it says one minute left, and it's probably got something to do with the hardness or the softness of your water. 39:26 Right, but, like, why is it all washing machines that, like, I've ever... Well, how many washing machines have you had an interaction with? Oh, God, now you're asking. I don't know. Maybe, like, around ten. 39:35 Yeah, and were they all in South London? 39:37 No, they weren't, actually. They were all over the world, James. 39:39 Really? Where else? Where's the most exotic washing machine you've ever had a relationship with? 39:44 I've had one in Morocco. Whoa! 39:48 Wow. I'm well-traveled, me. 39:50 You are. You're an international washing machine expert. And all of them suffer from this condition. 39:56 Yeah, they always get to that last minute. And it's never a minute. Yeah, I like it. 40:00 Yeah, I don't know why. Why do they do that? 40:03 Yeah, don't they know by now how long a cycle should be? And it's not like it's one minute and then it's two minutes. It's like one minute and then it's five minutes. 40:11 Yeah, I do. I mean, I recognise what you describe. I just always presumed it was sort of specific to the location you were in and it would have something to do with hard water or something. It's not like they're selling you advertising in the meantime or it's not like an algorithm where they need to keep you scrolling for longer because they make more money. It's just standing staring at your bloody plumbing washing machine. All right, you're on. Why is that? It's a great question. It's a classic. That would have touched a lot of people. 40:35 There'll be people up and down. Oh, well, as we've established all over the world, Abby, there'll be people going, yes! Yes! 40:41 She's right. Why? In fact, I'm not even joking. Let me read you some messages that have come in since you spoke. She's telling you the truth, James. We want the truth. You can't handle the truth. This woman is so right. I've never had a washing machine that tells you how long a cycle actually lasts. I'm in Spain. I can confirm that she's right. I regularly accuse my washing machine of lying. um of course it's more and that's the gluten one that's not about you oh my god this lady is so right it always fibs james asks kevin have you ever used a washing machine jamie says she's spot on we had six minutes left on once and it took more than 20 says eyes i mean it goes on and on and on and on you win the prize for touching the most nerves today abby and you may well win a board game yet it's 12 52 rob's in maidston rob question or answer hi james um so it's an answer Carry on. 41:23 We're only going to get through about three this week. We've done it all wrong, Rob, but I'll shut up and let you speak. 41:28 I shall be quick. I shall be quick then. So in 1732, George II offered the house to his principal minister, Robert Walpole. He declined it as a personal gift, but he accepted it for the government, but on the condition that it was attached to the office of the First Lord of the Treasury. And it's remained that way. So it's actually, they reside there as First Lord of the Treasury rather than as the Prime Minister. And I think Walpole moved in in 1735. 41:55 There you go. Beautifully done. 41:56 Qualifications? 41:58 I used to be a duty clerk at number 10 many, many moons ago. 42:01 Did you really? I was. Gosh. I mean, there's a little bit of history. What, is it up on the wall inside or you just swat it up on it or you go on a course? 42:11 No courses. Good heavens, no, not in government. No, I retained a little book and some keepsakes from my time at Downey Street. That's great. 42:20 I mean, it's not quite... I think to get a Ray Liotta, you'd have to be a prime minister. Is that fair? 42:26 Yes. 42:27 But you get a round of applause. And there's plenty of Prime Ministers knocking about these days. It's not like 20 years ago where they were ten a penny. When they were as rare as hen's teeth, they're ten a penny now. 42:37 Mike's in Beverley. Mike, question or answer? Answer, James. Make it snappy, Mike. We're short of time. 42:43 It's an answer to the dog's question. Oh, yes. And there are many reasons, but one of the main ones is that dogs process vision a lot quicker than we do. That's it. That's what we want. How much quicker? 42:56 Well, if we process at 16 frames a second, think back to your cinema, dogs process at 50 frames a second. Really? So they get information quicker than humans do. So they're in a sort of slow motion then? Yes. 43:12 As they're going through the trees, they've got a lot more time to navigate because they're seeing everything three times quicker. 43:20 Yes, basically. That's a beautiful answer. 43:22 One of the other big reasons is that they've got four legs, so they have more opportunities to deviate than a human with two legs. 43:28 Oh, they've got more pivot. Of course they have. Yeah, of course. That's a brilliant answer. Qualifications? 43:34 bread and train dogs all night right there you go round of applause for mike please great answer uh d's in fincham in norfolk d question or answer it's an answer carry on d it's an answer it's it is the gluten in in bread um just to say that gluten allows the bread to stretch and obviously the bread becomes bigger and if we don't have that in gluten-free bread so our bread is much smaller. We use things to mimic gluten, such as vasillium husk or other things, but it doesn't give you that same stretch and that same size. 44:11 Fantastic. What a perfect answer. 44:14 Qualifications? A celiac of about 15 years now. 44:18 And you've done your research? 44:19 I have indeed. I love making bread at home. 44:23 Oh, I've got to do this, even though I'm short of time. What's going on? What's happened? Was that your phone? 44:30 Are the aliens trying to make... You're near King's Lynn, aren't you? You're about 10 miles outside King's Lynn. 44:34 I am, yes. 44:35 Do you know what happened in King's Lynn yesterday? 44:38 No. I think it's a Reform UK council and they were due to pass a bill to abandon all of their climate change requirements and sort of decarbonisation programmes. But the meeting had to be cancelled. Do you know why? 44:55 No, James, why? 44:56 Because it was so hot. 44:59 It's just perfect, isn't it? I hope it's true. I hope I didn't just make that up. Have a round of applause, Dee. Lovely work. Thank you. No, thank you. Sharon's in Hounslow. Sharon, question or answer? I've got an answer. Carry on, Sharon. What's wrong? Are you all right? 45:12 I'm so excited I've got an answer. Yes, come on. It's about the washing machine. Mail it. Let's do it. Right. So... 45:19 If you put, when you think it's a minute, it never is a minute because it depends on how much washing you've got in. The washing machine will calculate the weight of the water and the items you've got in it. So it will calculate how long it needs. It will tell you a minute, but it might be three or four. 45:36 Yeah, that's what it is. I mean, it's not doing a very good job of calculating it then. 45:41 No, it's really annoying. But I think the problem is most people don't look. When you start a wash, it might say that it's going to take 90 minutes. 45:48 Yeah. 45:49 But in fact, it doesn't take 90 minutes. It will calculate it again later on if you looked again. But most people look towards the end. So that's why you just think it's the last minute. 45:59 And it isn't. 46:00 No. 46:01 I think I understand. Qualifications? 46:04 I asked the fellow that came to fix my washing machine. 46:06 I mean, that is about as big an authority as you can appeal to, isn't it? So it gets you a definite round of applause. Thank you, Sharon. Thank you. David's in Richmond. David, question or answer? 46:16 Answer. 46:16 Carry on. 46:18 The process for the cells stop growing is called contact inhibition. 46:23 Contact inhibition. 46:25 And you were right. They're pre-programmed to do that. 46:28 The bad news is cancer cells don't obey that rule. 46:31 Oh, yeah, of course they don't. And there'd be some sort of hormonal or genetic disorders that would also limit contact inhibition, where things grow sort of unexpectedly or extraordinarily. So the reason why her nose, the reason why Marion's nose grew back to precisely the same proportions that it grew before was because, I mean, it's programmed that way. The DNA is programmed that way. 47:00 Exactly. And you were very insightful there because the other case that happens is with keloid scars, particularly in dark-skinned people. Their scars are quite bumpy. So you were right. That's where it's also gone a bit faulty. 47:12 Gosh. Well, you live and learn. Qualifications? Yeah. 47:15 i'm a medic james there we go round of applause for david the medic lovely stuff no thank you and very quickly kieran in bracknell question or answer i've got 10 seconds james massive fan legend you are i just want to say uh sleep efficiency is tracked by micro movements yes and physiological changes and the most famous brands apple and carmine they have their own inbuilt sensors uh which is the accelerometer pulse and optical sensors. 47:42 Oh, wow. 47:43 It has inbuilt machine, and they run it through the various machine algorithms. 47:49 So breathing, body movements. 47:52 Yep. 47:52 Heartbeat. 47:54 Yep. Pulse. HRV, pulse, oxygen levels and all, and they run it through. For example, Garmin uses fast beat analytics. Wow. Which he... 48:04 calculate the sleep score from zero to hundred whereas apple uses the clinical data to compare with it and then comes with the logic well fantastic i'm going sheila's here now i've got to go you've done enough what is your qualifications social scientist social what social scientist oh well played round of applause for kieran lovely stuff who did i say i was going to give it to i'm marion and her nose i think don't you have you noticed my benign sexism sheila 48:30 Benign sexism? Explain benign sexism to me. 48:33 I think I give more games to women than I do to men, even though I get more calls from men than I do from women. 48:38 And why do you think that is? 48:40 I think it's benign sexism. 48:41 No, but why do you think you do it? 48:42 Because I think it's more polite to be nice to ladies. 48:45 Well, you're always very nice to me. 48:47 It's a curse. 48:49 Anyway, that's it for today. Keep doing it, though. That's right. If you missed any of today's show, you can listen back on our free Global Player app or the LBC app, where you can also stay up to date with all the latest news videos and opinions, podcasts, et cetera, et cetera. Ben Kentish in for Tom Sawbrick at four o'clock today, but now Sheila Fogarty is here. 49:05 This has been a Global Player original production.